The Hanyou Hits the Frying Pan
by Hedgehogmadhatter
Summary: Inuyasha challenges Sesshoumaru on Iron Chef America. Who will win & why is celebrity judge Ozzie Osbourne throwing chairs? FUNNY SEQUEL TO SOUTHERN FRIED HANYOU.
1. Chapter 1

The Hanyou Hits the Frying Pan: An Inuyasha fanfic

Summary: Inuyasha challenges Sesshoumaru on Iron Chef America. Who will win and can Alton Brown stay out of the way? This is a sequel of sorts to Southern Fried Hanyou but is only just for kicks.

Disclaimer: Inuyasha & Co belong to Rumiko Takahasi, Iron Chef America belongs to Food Network and Alton belongs (hopefully) to himself. This is all in good fun, please don't sue.

One

Kagome studied the planner in her Blackberry. In two weeks it would be year since Inuyasha came back into her life and regained his full humanity. She glanced out her French doors and watched Inuyasha tossing a stick to Kiki the golden retriever.

Kiki had the stick and refused to give it up. She played keep away as Inuyasha chased her around the yard; his long black hair flowing behind him.

Kagome smiled and thought: _He's given me so much happiness. I want to celebrate our anniversary and do something really special for him._

She'd been searching for just the right gift. Kim, her assistant professor suggested they go on one of those Hedonism Resort Club vacation getaways. Kagome had been skeptical.

"Take Inuyasha to a nude beach?"

Kim gave a wicked grin. "I went there with Harry and it was top notch! Ultra sexy."

"I just can't see him there. I mean we are talking about a man who barely even drinks alcohol!"

"Well ya just need to loosen him up a bit!" had been her reply.

Kagome was just thrilled Inuyasha had finally given up sitting on her roof with the Tetsusaiga across his lap. Dragging him to a nude beach seemed a bit…much.

There had to be something. She racked her brain as he opened the door and Kiki bounded in behind him. He grabbed an iced green tea from the fridge and paused to kiss her. His lips met hers in a quick causal kiss but the heat was there and Kagome was tempted to stop him from proceeding into the den. But no, that kind of fun would have to wait until after his favorite show; 'Iron Chef America' was over.

Inuyasha adjusted well to television and he loved everything on Food Network except for Iron Chef. He thought the dubbed voices were ridiculous. However when the America version debuted, hosted by his favorite food celebrity, he was hooked. In fact she'd been forced to bann him from her kitchen for his own safety and that of the house. His obsession deepened when he'd discovered Alton Brown lived in nearby Marietta GA.

Kagome heard the TV switch on and Alton's voice filled her den. She winced as the sound was turned up. _Why in the heck does that man have to turn the volume up so loud!_ The only thing she could figure was it to compensate for the loss of his yokai sense of hearing.

Alton was announcing the secret ingredient of the day, moose, when it hit her. _They are filming that show right now; I should surprise him with tickets. Oh he'll just love it! _She rushed to her laptop and began planning a surprise trip to New York.

Kagome discovered the show didn't offer tickets but she wasn't finished yet. She called Kim who seemed to always have the right connections. And sure enough in a week's time she held tickets for the closed taping of show. She bided her time and waited for the perfect moment.

Saturday they were spending the day in the Isle of Palms and stopped for dinner at The One-Eyed Parrott. Their table had a spectacular view of the ocean and the fresh salty breezes added to the ambiance. Kagome ordered a mimosa and sat back in her chair to enjoy the view; of the ocean and her new husband.

Inuyasha was grappling through the menu before giving up and ordering a round of steamed oysters. He glanced up from the menu and noticed her gazing at him.

"Whatcha thinking about Kagome?"

She smiled smugly. "You of course."

He laughed low and raised an eyebrow. "It's a good thing we put off getting together until after we found the Shikon no Tama. You are insatiable; we never would've gotten around to all the shard pieces."

"Yeah because that was mutual decision on both our parts," she retorted her voice filled with light sarcasm.

Inuyasha smiled showing off a mouthful of white straight human teeth. Kagome made a mental note to remind him of his upcoming dental appointment. Of course after last time she'd been forced to change dentists. _He's all human but still hanyou at heart._

She returned his smile and reached into her purse. She pulled out the envelope that held the plane tickets and pushed it across the table. Inuyasha gave the envelope a quick glance.

"I need you to look at these. It's important."

"What is it?" He was suspicious.

"It's from the new dentist. They want you to fill out this form before we go in next month."

"The dentist again?" He frowned and raised his voice. "But I was just there six months ago!"

She sighed dramatically. "Yes but we go more than once a lifetime. Usually twice a year."

Inuyasha groaned.

"Remember what I told you last time? If you don't go and your teeth turn rotten I am not kissing you and sex is totally out of the question."

Inuyasha, who always valued sex over minor discomfort, reached for the envelope and pulled it open. Two plane tickets slipped out and dropped onto the table top. He examined the tickets.

"These are plane tickets? Kagome where in the hell is this new dentist?" He read the small type. "New York City?"

She laughed unable to contain her mirth. "Silly it's a surprise. I got you tickets to a private taping of your show. We're going next week."

His jaw dropped. "Iron Chef America?"

"Yes, the very same."

His eyes shown with the same joy he used to show over his cups of Ramen noodles. "Will Alton be there?"

"Yes. He is the host."

"Think he'd sign my 'Good Eats' apron?"

"He seems like a nice guy, I'm sure he would."

Inuyasha pulled Kagome across the table and kissed her full on the lips. They were still kissing with great enthusiasm when the waiter appeared with the mimosa and cleared his throat. Inuyasha was so happy he didn't mind so much when Kagome told him she hadn't been kidding about the dentist.


	2. Chapter 2

Two

Inuyasha stood while the tiny man ran the metal wand over his body. He wasn't comfortable with a stranger invading his personal space but Kagome behaved as if it were normal so he went along with it.

"Sir, remove your shoes."

"But these are sandals? How could I hide anything in them?" He wondered what this man would have done if he'd had the Tetsusaiga with him.

"Sir, don't make me ask again" droned the uniformed agent. Kagome shot Inuyasha a death glare and he quickly kicked off his Birkenstocks.

Later on the plane he was awestruck with the view from his tiny window. As a hanyou he'd jumped really high and even ridden on Kirara's back in the sky. But this was the first time he'd ever looked down on the clouds. It was another world.

The movie was really boring and used a lot of slang he didn't quite understand. Kagome dozed off, her head resting on his shoulder. He smiled and watched her sleep. _Just like old times…well sorta._

Their flight was only slightly late and they landed without incident at JFK. They departed the plane and went the luggage retrieval area.

Kagome stood watching the luggage on the conveyer belt cursing the fact she'd purchased the same black luggage everyone else seemed to have. _Someday,_ she told herself_, I have to remember to tie a freaking red ribbon on the handles of my damned suitcase!_

Inuyasha grew bored with watching the moving luggage and began studying the crowd. The airport was a menagerie of people from all over the world. His ears perked at the familiar sound of his beloved Japanese language. He traced the words to a very tall and slender man in an expensive white tailored business suit. His long silver hair was tied back into an elegant braid.

Inuyasha frowned. This guy reminded him of that word Kagome had used. What was it? _Metro-sexual, that's it._ _But wait. There's something more…_

He wandered away from Kagome keeping his attention on the thin man.

_Nah, it couldn't be…_

_Is that…. Sesshoumaru? My asshole half brother?_

Before he could get any closer the man disappeared into the crowd. Inuyasha ached to follow but he heard Kagome call out his name in concern.

"Inuyasha? I found our suitcases, are you ready?"

He searched the crowd for a finale time before turning back to his wife.

"Kagome, I'm right here."

"Good. Let's catch a cab to the hotel."

* * *

They spent the evening wandering Times Square and Kagome showed him all of her old haunts from when she lived there briefly with Hojo. Inuyasha was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the buildings and the amount of people. Kagome did some "light" shopping and he gave in and hauled her packages around the rest of the night.

The next morning they breakfasted on the roof of the hotel overlooking the city. The show taping was at two so they decided to spend the morning at the Natural History Museum.

Kagome was surprised to learn Inuyasha was familiar with dinosaur fossils. Of course in Feudal times they weren't called dinosaurs but he'd always known they were from an extinct animal.

"Sometimes we called them dragon bones. They were often ground into a powder for medicine."

Kagome was thankful she'd been able to go home though the well anytime she fell ill.

Inuyasha's excitement grew with the passing hours. By lunch time he was too worked up to eat. Kagome forced a bagel down him and then they began the walk to the network studios.

* * *

Because it was a closed set there was no long line to wait in for the show. Kagome buzzed the guard who examined their tickets and driver's licenses before letting them in.

A well dressed man with tiny glasses met them at the door. He shook their hands and introduced himself.

"Hi, I'm Marty and you must be Kagome and Inuyasha. Ya know any friend of that wild gal Kim is a friend of mine. We don't usually allow people in for these tapings but I pulled a few strings and here we are!"

Apparently Marty was an assistant to the executive producer. He gave them a quick tour of the set.

Inuyasha was surprised. "It seems so much larger on TV. How do they keep from tripping over each other?"

Marty laughed, "They don't! Flay is always needing a band aide or three."

Then finally the moments of moments arrived and Inuyasha met his hero. Alton was flipping through his notes when Marty introduced him.

"Alton this is Inuyasha. He's a friend of Kim's and a big fan."

Alton stuck out his hand and gave Inuyasha's hand a firm shake. "That Kim, she's a blast. How you doing?"

Inuyasha was momentarily speechless then he was able to speak. "I'm wonderful. My wife, Kagome did this as surprise for our anniversary."

"She must be a winner then."

"I also love your other show, it's so funny. I want to try out everything you do but Kagome has kicked me out of the kitchen."

Alton laughed, "That's one of the hazards of matrimony I'm afraid."

Inuyasha had so much he wanted to ask Alton but now he couldn't remember it all. He decided it was best to stay cool and let Kagome lead him to their seats. Alton waived and went back to his notes.

Marty seated them and was in the process of offering them drinks when his pager buzzed in his khaki pants. He pulled it out and rolled his eyes at the number displayed on the tiny screen.

"That man is so damn pushy!" he sighed. "Would you kind folks excuse me momentarily?"

He turned to go when the man who summoned him entered the room. He swung back to Inuyasha and Kagome. "Hey would you two like to meet the man who makes this all happen?"

Inuyasha nodded enthusiastically and Marty lead them down the steps to the judges booth. A thin man in a white suite sat with his back to them. He was on his cell phone.

He flipped the phone shut and spun around in his chair. "Marty we are out of those damned chilies again and that is not acceptable."

Inuyasha's heart stopped. It was the man from the airport. The man looked his watch and then glanced up at them. His eyes paused on Inuyasha's face but the pause was so short it was almost indiscernible. The left arm of his jacket hung loose and empty.


	3. Chapter 3

Three

_It is Sesshoumaru! After all these years…._

_That Fucker! I owe him for sealing me into the Tetsusaiga for nearly 500 years! _

Kagome saw Inuyasha's eyes widen and heard him grind his teeth. She turned to see what he was staring at. _Sesshoumaru? A Food Network Executive? _She had no idea what to do but sensed the situation was deteriorating quickly.

"Sesshoumaru." Inuyasha spat the name.

Sesshoumaru leaned forward and studied his face.

"Inuyasha? You're here and still with that stupid human girl." He acted as though he'd only just seen his half brother yesterday not 500 years ago. His tone was that of a man mentioning to the waiter he needed another fork. This only served to further Inuyasha's fury.

"You will pay for what you did." He jabbed a harmless human finger at his yokai brother.

Sesshoumaru gave a bored smile. "Brother you should thank me. With out Jaken's assistance you wouldn't be here now with your bitch."

Kagome saw Inuyasha's back stiffen and put her hand on his shoulder. She lifted her lips to his ear.

"Babe, it's not worth it. Please…" she pleaded. "Let's just walk away."

Sesshoumaru's yokai ears picked up her words and he threw them back at Inuyasha. "Yes you human refuse, just walk away. There is nothing for you here."

Inuyasha was a grown man but he still wasn't able to walk away from a fight. "No. Let's do this."

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes. "No, it's not worth my time. You were barely a challenge when you were a half-breed, now you're just boring."

Inuyasha look around, searching for anything he use against Sesshoumaru. His eyes lit on Kitchen Stadium. He grinned.

"Baka! I challenge you to a cook off here in Kitchen Stadium."

Sesshoumaru lifted a brow and gave him a strange look. "What?"

Kagome choked. _He has lost his mind. What's he going to make? Ramen noodles?_

Sesshoumaru paused in thought. He dropped his cell phone on the table. "I will grant this ridiculous request of yours." He stood up. "Marty! Come here."

Marty appeared by his side. "There is a change in today's battle."

Marty pulled out a notepad. "Okay, what is it?"

"Tell Mr. Mario Batali his services won't be needed today."

Marty's jaw began to twitch. "What? Who's replacing him?"

"I am."

"What! This is highly unusual. What about today's challenger?"

"Send him home. Inuyasha here is taking his place."

Marty was speechless.

Sesshoumaru turned to leave. "And Marty, find a new secret ingredient. I don't want to be accused of foul play." Then he walked to the back kitchen and out of sight.

Marty looked like he wanted to cry. "Doesn't he know it's only fifteen minutes until filming starts? And what the hell am I going to do with 30 pounds of fresh mackerel?" He waived his arms in the air and stormed off.

Inuyasha turned to Kagome. "You're on my team."

She crossed her arms. "No I'm not. I asked you not to do this and you ignored me."

He bent down and wrapped her in his arms. "Kagome please, you know how much this means to me." His lips found her ear lobe and the battle was won. She was officially mush.

"Okay. But what are we going to cook?"

"I dunno. But I have seen every episode of this show so I'm sure we'll come up with something."

"Inuyasha, this is only the second season. There are only what, ten shows so far?"

"You are a wonderful cook, we'll think of something." Kagome blinked, this was the first time he'd ever said that. _He is so desperate._

Marty came rushing back to them with white chef's hats and matching blue outfits. Of course Sesshoumaru would wear all white. It was his trademark.

"Put these on and get behind your kitchen counters. "Now, now, now! Move people." He tossed the clothes to them and ran to Alton with a new set of notes.

Once she was in the outfit, Kagome felt ridiculous. Inuyasha was stoked. This was his dream come true. His favorite show and a fight with Sesshoumaru all rolled into one. Kagome was worried she'd get stage fright and accidentally chop off a finger. _It's a pity we are going to lose!_

The cameras clicked on just as Sesshoumaru strolled into his kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

Four

Alton Brown kicked in with his signature commentary.

"Welcome to Iron Chef America. Today's battle is a first. Our executive producer Mr. Sesshoumaru has accepted a challenge from newcomer Inuyasha. That's right folks; just like Cher he has no last name."

The camera cut to a split screen of Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru.

"Now Sesshoumaru maybe handicapped but he has an extensive culinary background. He owns and runs a chain of fine restaurants where he is solely in charge of the menu. Folks if you've eaten at Sesshou, then you already know what Inuyasha is up against today."

Kagome's head began to hurt. _He created Sesshou, the award winning Japanese/French restaurant? The very same restaurant where even Hollywood VIPs have to make reservations weeks in advance! This is getting nothing but worse._

Alton turned his attention to them.

"And is this corner of Kitchen Stadium, are the challengers, a husband and wife team Inuyasha and Kagome!"

The camera did a close up on them. Alton continued.

"I had the opportunity to interview Inuyasha a few minutes ago. I think he is somehow related to Sesshoumaru but neither man will say how. His experience with food is basically eating it. His specialty is ramen noodles but he swears by his wife's Killer Double Chocolate Cake. I'd like to proudly add that he is a huge fan of mine and has seen every episode of all my shows. He is also an Iron Chef America enthusiast. We can only pray that this will be enough to keep him afloat here today in Kitchen Stadium."

"Today's judges are comedian Mo Rocca, rocker Ozzie Osborne and journalist Shepard Smith. Thank you all and welcome to the show."

Theme music played and a huge cart was rolled before the judge's booth.

"Looks like we are all sit to unveil today's theme and secret ingredient."

The floor reporter Kevin Brauch stood by the cart with his microphone ready. A harried Marty jogged out and lifted the white cloth with great gusto.

"And today's ingredient will be…..eggs?"

Dozens upon dozens of egg cartons lay out arranged in a circular pattern on the metal cart. Alton glanced at Marty who shrugged. He had fifteen minutes to find a new ingredient and here it was.

Alton jumped back in. "Wow that is allot of eggs! But it's a great ingredient for a battle. This could go French, American or Japanese. "

Chairman Dacascos waived his hands in the air then gave his trademark speech, "So America, with an open heart and an empty stomach, I say unto you in the words of my uncle: Allez Cuisine!"

Inuyasha vaulted the counter and ran to the giant pile of egg cartons. He nearly tripped over Kevin, the floor reporter, but caught himself. He looked back at a worried Kagome. "How many should I grab?"

"I dunno, get six or seven?"

Alton asked, "Kevin, I saw Inuyasha almost stumble over you. Can you tell me what his reaction was when he saw today's theme ingredient?"

Kevin answered, "Alton I could repeat what he said but this is a family show. Let's just say he was really surprised."

"Looks like Sesshoumaru is having a quick meeting with his team, let's turn to team Inuyasha. What are they doing? Well to be blunt it looks like they are just panicking."

"Wait now they are bickering…no that appears to be actual yelling."

"Could be an egg fight breaking out here any moment now."

The camera spun to face the judge's panel. Alton chimed in. "Ozzie, what do you think of this battle so far?"

Ozzie squinted through his tiny blue glasses. "Ya wanna know what I think? I think team Inu is bleeding fucked, that's what I think."

Alton answered, "Okay we'll have to bleep that but at least it came from your heart."

"Now on to you Mo Rocca, what can you add?"

Mo pursed his lips. "Alton this battle is so wrong in too many ways to count. I mean what is that boa fluffy thing wrapped around Sesshoumaru's neck? But I do think egg fights could be a ratings booster for Food Network."

Alton chimed in, "That could be true Mo, you just never know. Now Shep what is going through your mind right now?"

Shepard Smith gazed down on kitchen stadium. "I am going to have go with Ozzie on this one Alton. Team Inu is screwed."

"And thank you Shep, let's take you back to Kevin who is on the floor with Sesshoumaru."

"Thanks Alton, it appears for his first dish Sesshoumaru is making an egg crepe which he plans on stuffing with goat cheese and white truffles."

"Wow, sounds like he is off to a strong start. And team Inuyasha?"

"That's a different story Alton. Kagome is scrambling an egg for use in a sushi roll and so far Inuyasha is boiling water."

"That's it?"

"Sad but true Alton. We could end up with ramen noodles a la boiled egg here tonight."

Kagome used a chop stick to roll up the fluffy scrambled egg. She complimented it with a few pieces of very simple rice balls.

The loudspeaker sounded, "Fifteen minutes have elapsed."

"Okay Inuyasha we still need four damned dishes! Got any bright ideas?"

He fumbled around plating the first dish. "Umm…not so much."  
She grumbled and paused to think. "Okay let's go American and keep it simple. How bout deviled eggs? Some kind of pie with an egg meringue…key lime?" She chewed her bottom lip.

Kevin broke in. "Sesshoumaru is preparing a savory soufflé with pieces of shitake mushrooms and a hollandaise sauce to emphasize the eggs and compliment the soufflé."

Kagome rolled her eyes. _Does that even go together?_

"Hey I am so missing the boat on this, Egg Nog!"

Inuyasha tugged on her blue uniform sleeve. "Hey Alton did a show where he made mayonnaise with eggs."

"I know how to do that. This kitchen is full of all sorts of fancy flavored oils we could make three flavors and use them as dipping sauce for fried zucchini pieces that were dipped in eggs before frying."

Inuyasha was thrilled, "Now we're talking!"

The camera focused on Kevin who was holding his microphone in Sesshoumaru's face.

"Sir, I can't help but notice you are sweating an awful lot and there are these purple lines developing on your face? Are you having an allergic reaction to the eggs?"

Sesshoumaru growled. "No but if don't wish to visit the Downtown hospital you will kindly remove that mike."

Kevin smiled and stepped away. "Alton it would appear even though Sesshoumaru is way ahead of Team Inu he is experiencing some stress."

Alton answered. "It would seem so. However Team Inuyasha has picked up the pace and is now working together! They have eggs boiling and wait! It looks as if Kagome is making gourmet mayonnaise!

I'd like to take a moment to remind our audience mayo is an emulsion of oil suspended in egg yolk. I'm telling you Kevin, that Kagome is a woman after my own heart."

Inuyasha caught only the last part of the statement and glared at the commentator's both. Kagome smacked him on the arm. "Grow the hell up! And help me!"

Alton turned back to the judge's panel.

"So gentlemen, what do you think so far?"

Ozzie lay back in his chair snoring. Mo poked him in his side and he shot up out of the chair in a panic yelling, "It's bloody fucking brilliant. Piss off!"

Alton raised an eyebrow and paused. "Once again Ozzie well put."

Mo added, "I'm excited about the friend zucchini Inuyasha's very attractive wife is putting together."

Alton frowned. "Mo, don't push the challenger's buttons. He seems to have jealousy issues."

Inuyasha yelled back, "To hell I do!"

Mo responded, "I know, I was trying to give you another ratings boost."

Alton said in a flat voice, "How kind. And Shep, you've been awfully quiet. Anything you'd like to add?"

Shep smiled. "Well I've been watching team Inu for a while here and I have to say Inuyasha is my kind of guy. I still think he is screwed but he seems like a fun guy and I'd love to see him take on my good friend and colleague, Bill O'Reilly."

"I see. Does O'Reilly cook then?"

"Not so much but it'd be a great fight."

Alton made a strange face and turned back to the camera. "Okay Kevin, back to you."


	5. Chapter 5

Five

Kevin was standing out of Sesshoumaru's reach. "Looks like we have dishes three and four here. He is making ginger custard and that should be a wonderful marriage of French and Japanese cuisine. Dish four appears to be a gourmet egg salad served in a hollowed out dish of daikon. He just keeps knocking these dishes right out of the ball park."

The loud speaker sounded, "Thirty minutes have elapsed."

Kevin sprinted to Inuyasha's part of Kitchen Stadium.

"What do you have so far?"

Kagome answered, "I am putting together the meringue for a key lime pie. We also are putting finishing touches on our deviled eggs."

Kevin, "Ahhh. So that makes four dishes, time is getting short, any ideas for your fifth dish?"

Kevin and Kagome turn to Inuyasha who is behind them mysteriously hacking away at an innocent eggplant with a meat cleaver.

Kagome added, "Yes but it's a…surprise."

The camera cut away to Sesshoumaru who was pouring an egg concoction into the ice cream machine.

Kagome finished the pie and Inuyasha used a blow torch to brown the meringue. Kagome first objected to him using the torch but he insisted. Ever since he lost the ability to wield the Tetsusaiga he became obsessed with big power tools and the like.

All was going better than she expected until he caught his sleeve on fire.

It was a tiny fire and would have been quickly solved with a fire extinguisher, but Inuyasha wasn't used to fire extinguishers and didn't think to reach for one. Instead he howled and danced across the set. Then he slammed into the back of Sesshoumaru who was busily sculpting his egg ice cream into the shape of a swan. The swan fell from its platter and splattered over the studio floor and Inuyasha, snuffing out the tiny flames on his sleeve.

Sesshoumaru's composure broke.

The porcelain mask of his face twisted and he frowned then grimaced flashing the camera a shot of his sharp canines.

He grabbed Inuyasha up by his collar and tossed him easily across the stage.

Inuyasha crashed into the stairs by Alton's booth and thanks to his still quick reflexes, jumped to his feet and headed back to Sesshoumaru. Kagome ducked behind the kitchen counter. When Inuyasha passed the counter's edge she grabbed him by the leg and pulled him down with her.

He realized how pointless it was to do physical battle with his full yokai opponent but the now human Inuyasha could not stand to be outdone. He snatched a carton of eggs and began lobbing them at Sesshoumaru.

The ruckus woke Ozzie who jumped from his seat, screamed and joined the fray.

Alton, who was hiding on the floor of his booth, cut in. "Our opponents here today have elected to settle their differences in a more…physical manner!"

An egg whizzed over his booth and smashed into the camera lens.

Mo asked. "The question of the hour is whose side is Ozzie on?"

Ozzie was running in circles and howling. Ever now and then he'd pick up a chair and throw it at no one in particular.

Alton answered, "His own, I think."

Shep had his cell phone out and was busily snapping pictures and taking mini clips of film.

"The G-Block is going to rock tonight!"

Kevin ducked behind the metal cart the eggs had been wheeled in on. "I don't know but for a guy with only one arm, our executive producer Sesshoumaru sure can throw a lot of eggs."

All in all when compared to their battles of old, this was a merry war. Sesshoumaru took an egg in the face and another in his elaborately braided hair.

Chairman Dacascos was dialing 911 and Marty was crying in the back kitchen.

Alton stayed hidden but peeked out to see Ozzie fighting with a camera man.

Inuyasha was covered in broken eggs. He wasn't as fast as he used to be and every egg added to his fury.

Kagome stayed behind the counter praying the scene wouldn't make it to cable news. But she knew better. At one point she couldn't resist palming an egg of her own.

_I wonder if? _She held it and thought of the sacred arrows she used back in the Feudal Era. The she threw the egg and scored a direct hit with Sesshoumaru's nose. He stumbled and fell over onto the floor.

Kagome smiled. _I still got it!_

In the middle of the great egg war of '05 the doors to the studio flew open and a dark haired man with thick black eyebrows in full chef's regalia stormed onto the set.

Kevin said, "Folks it's Emeril Lagasse!"

Emeril stood with his hands on his hips surveying the damage. An egg sailed over his head and broke on the wall behind him. He pulled out a police whistle from his pocket and blew.

Kitchen Stadium came to a standstill.

"All right what in God's names is wrong with you people!"

He glanced around and saw the cameras were still rolling. "Don't make me kick YOU up a notch, now get it together or Sesshoumaru you are fired."

Kagome was impressed. Emeril had a lot of clout at the network.

The speaker sounded. "Five, four, three, two, one…." And the horn sounded.

Alton said, "All cooking must now stop, not that it hasn't already. This battle is over!"

Emeril shook his head, "You can say that again."

Finally the NYPD arrived but they were no longer needed. Emeril smoothed things over by allowing them to stay for the rest of the taping.

Kevin corralled Ozzie and herded him to the table for judging.

Most of the food was salvageable but due to the fight each competitor only had four dishes instead of the required five. But the judging was still on.

Kevin stood beside Inuyasha at the judge's table.

"Where did you get your inspiration for what you prepared today?"

Inuyasha gave him a strange look. "Eggs."

Kevin nodded, "Okay good enough. You and your lovely non-violent wife have prepared for us today: a sushi scrambled egg roll. Zucchini sticks dipped in an egg batter, then fried and complimented with three gourmet flavored mayonnaises, chilies, ginger and wasabi. A key lime pie…the egg is in the meringue and of course the deviled eggs."

Kagome smiled and nodded. Inuyasha reached to pick up a deviled egg to eat and she swatted his hand away.

Kevin asked, "Does it bother you that no of these seem to dishes go together?"

Inuyasha glared at him. "No."

Kevin continued. "Let's see what our judges will have to say about your offerings."

The camera panned to Ozzie, Mo and Shep.

Ozzie squinted at the table of egg dishes. He sighed and said, "Stupid blighters."

Kevin asked. "What?"

Ozzie explained, "I can't eat any of this. I've gone veggie."

Alton asked, "Ozzie by veggie do you mean you are a vegetarian? If so you can eat all of these dishes unless you are a vegan."

Ozzie narrowed his eyes. "What's with the name calling? I'm veggie and Sharon will have my arse if I touch any of this."

Kevin sighed. "Okay Mo and Shep it's up to you."

Mo frowned.

Kevin asked, "Mo is something wrong?"

"No Kevin, but it's against my religion to consume egg products."

Kevin frowned. "What religion is this?"

Mo answered, "I'm not at liberty to say Kevin."

Alton chimed in. "There is a form of Buddhism that forbids the consumption of eggs; it's not very common these days though."

Kevin looked panicked. "Shep you are our very last hope and will be our only judge!"

The camera zoomed in on Shep's face.

"I'm sorry Kevin but I can't help you."

Kevin's composure was slipping. "Why not Shep?"

Shep gave a polite smile. "Well, as I plainly stated on the profile card you had me fill out prior to my appearance on this program…I am deathly allergic to eggs."

Kagome actually heard Marty's sobs as he crawled out of the kitchen.

Emeril stood thoughtfully. "Well then I am calling this one a draw!"

He waived to the police offers. "Who wants a free lunch on us?"

They cheered and Marty went to fetch more plates. Sesshoumaru growled and stormed off the set. Kagome heard Mo remark, "That fluffy thing around your producer's neck…is it a tail?"

While the police department was happily digging into mounds of egg dishes, Inuyasha pulled out his 'Good Eats' apron and approached Alton.

"It'd be an honor if you could sign my apron."

Alton was strained but sill polite. "Yes, but only if you promise me something first."

"Promise you what?"

"That as long as you live you NEVER step foot in another kitchen, especially mine."

Kagome gave a pained smile. "Already done."

"Good, now here's your apron back."

Epilogue:

That evening back in the hotel Kagome sat alone in their suites private hot tub. She'd already called Kim to beg her forgiveness but wasn't surprised when Kim laughed so hard she dropped the phone.

Kagome knew she should be royally pissed with Inuyasha. But she'd seen first hand the battles the brothersfought in the past and knew this one was minor.

She heard a splash and felt the water move and knew Inuyasha had joined her. He came up behind her, pulled her to his chest and wrapped her in his arms.

"Stilltalking to me?"

"Just barely. You know I can't take you anywhere."

She felt him smile as he pressed his lips against the back of her neck.

"Well I wasn't the only one fighting. I saw you charge an egg with sacred energy and nail Sesshoumaru with it."

She forced herself not to grin. "You saw no such thing."

"Oh but I did."

"Did not."

He spun her around to face him. "Did too."

The he pushed her down into the water and dunked her.

Kagome came up sputtering. "Inuyasha! This is a hot tub not a pool!" Then she knocked Inuyasha's legs out from under him and he careened into water.

The maid who came bearing fresh towels heard the commotion from the bathroom. Shrieks and giggles soon turned into sighs and low laughter.

She shook her head as she shut the door behind her.

Notes:

I am writing this quick missive to beg everyone whose name and images I've borrowed here to please not sue me. I am poor and all you would get is my hedgehog.

Once again all the locations in this tale are real.

I have no proof Shepard Smith is allergic to eggs that was merely speculation on my part. It's also worth mentioning I've met Emeril and he's a really great guy.


End file.
